• Church Bloopers

    From Daryl Stout@57:57/10 to All on Sat Oct 10 00:07:49 2020
    Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service:

    Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
    Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch
    all the way from Africa.

    Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER AND FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
    includes meals."

    Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
    recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

    Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving
    obvious pleasure to the congregation.

    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
    those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
    husbands."

    Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'.
    Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone
    come for a fun time.

    The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled
    due to a conflict.

    The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"
    The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

    Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
    the help they can get.

    Barbara remains in the hospital, and needs blood donors for more
    transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping, and requests
    tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

    During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
    hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

    The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
    sing "Break Forth into Joy."

    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

    Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who
    doesn't care much about you.

    Don't let worry kill you off-let the Church help.

    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
    church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
    Music will follow.

    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
    Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
    several new members, and to the deterioration of some older ones.

    The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
    sinning to join the choir.

    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M.. Steak, mashed potatoes,
    green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
    person(s) you want remembered.

    Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

    The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,
    and gracious hostility.

    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M..-prayer and medication to follow.

    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
    be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

    This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from
    the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
    invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
    lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
    morning.

    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
    the back door.

    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
    Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend
    this tragedy.

    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
    Please use large double door at the side entrance.

    Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
    slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

    Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

    All those ladies wishing to become pregnant, please see the Pastor
    in his study.

    The meeting of the Women's Temperance Union will be held on Wednesday
    morning at 11am in the Fellowship Hall. Drinks will be served.

    Due to the large number of new babies being born in the last year,
    we will have baptism at the front and back of the church. Children
    will be baptized at both ends.

    This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Bee to come forward, and
    lay an egg on the altar.

    For Special Music, Mrs. Smith will sing "Put Me In My Bed Tonight"
    accompanied by the Pastor.

    ***

    A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on
    their way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet
    in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

    A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
    looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of
    the Bible, and he picked it up, and looked at it closely. It was an
    old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
    "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice,
    he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"

    The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mic, and as he preached,
    he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mic cord as he went.
    Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord, and nearly
    tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a
    little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,
    "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

    Six-year old Angiem and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting
    together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally,
    big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in
    church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed
    to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the
    door? They're hushers."

    My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know
    how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked,
    "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

    A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming
    quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her
    grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The
    Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

    A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were
    ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell
    her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou
    shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

    On teaching my daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at
    bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally,
    she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully
    enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not
    into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

    A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the
    aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While
    facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So
    it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the
    aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so
    hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was
    getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also
    near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was
    doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

    One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during
    the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some
    sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle. Finally, the
    father picked the little fellow up, and walked sternly up the aisle
    on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the
    little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me!
    Pray for me!"

    One student's prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, And hope to pass
    tomorrow's test. And If I should die before I wake, That's one less
    test I have to take."

    A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a
    better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

    When the Sunday School Teacher asked if the kids in her class said the
    blessing of grace before they sat down to eat, one child chimed out
    "We don't need to...Mom is such a good cook"!!

    A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give
    him the money now, will he let us go?"

    A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you
    know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you
    keep crossing things out?"

    A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. Then the
    father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before
    Independence Day. The congregation stood and sang The Star-Spangled
    Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled
    out, "PLAY BALL!!!"

    A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church
    service: "And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who
    passed trash against us." Another child prayed "And forgive us our
    gas passes, as we forgive those who pass gas against us".

    After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly
    announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister
    when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide
    that?" Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on
    Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and
    yell than to sit and listen."

    A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time
    on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring
    their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote,
    "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could
    have been there."

    A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first
    time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down
    the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little
    one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you, Happy
    birthday to you."

    A child came home from Sunday School, and told his mother that he
    had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It
    took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really
    "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."

    Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground,
    Ms.Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the
    Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told
    that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like
    that." Bobby looked up into her face and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith,
    you can't say you weren't warned."

    There was a gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother
    in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?"
    asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

    A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one
    of the most quoted passages in the Bible... Psalm 23. She gave the
    youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about
    the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice,
    he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone, and
    said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd...and that's all I need to know!"

    A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner.
    The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he
    thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and
    all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He
    gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry
    sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and
    everyone waited - and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow
    looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli,
    won't He know that I'm lying?"

    When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried
    about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks
    from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed. Seeing
    her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining happily, "All the way
    home, God's been taking my picture!"

    Someone figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce
    10 commandments.

    A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly
    woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her
    and asked, "Are you a Christian?" "Yes," "Do you read your Bible every
    day?" She nodded her head, "Yes." "Do you pray often?" the boy asked
    next, and again she answered, "Yes." With that he asked his final
    question, "Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?"

    A little boy was saying his bedtime prayers with his mother: "Lord,
    bless Mommy and Daddy, and God, GIVE ME A NEW BICYCLE!!!" Mom: "God's
    not deaf, son. Boy: "I know, Mom, but Grandma's in the next room, and
    she's hard of hearing!"

    "Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in
    the world - there are those who wake up in the morning and say,
    "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning
    and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

    A Preacher was giving the eulogy for a long time church member who
    had passed away. He said that of humanity, "we are but dust and ashes".
    In the pause, the voice of a little boy asked "Mommy?? What's butt dust??".

    A Preacher was doing a sermon on Easter Sunday, and noted that "The
    Burial Clothes were in the grave, and Jesus' Body was gone!!". A
    little girl asked "So, Jesus rose from the grave naked??".

    A Preacher asked the children if they knew what a Resurrection was.
    This little boy piped up with "If you have one for more than 4 hours,
    you need to go to the Emergency Room!!"

    Many years ago, a young boy and girl, who lived in a small country town,
    went to different churches...he was Protestant, and she was Catholic.
    But, they were great friends, and they had no fear of walking to and
    from church (this was when life was much simpler, and you didn't have
    to fear of being kidnapped, etc.). During services one Sunday, a huge thunderstorm was in progress outside. As they walked home, they came
    upon a huge puddle across the street and their path. They reasoned that
    if they got their nice Sunday clothes dirty, they'd get the spanking of
    their lives. The little girl asked fearfully "What are we going to do??".
    The little boy thought a minute, and spoke up boldly with the solution.
    "I'll be like Sir Walter Raleigh. Let's take off all of our clothes. I
    will then take you to the other side, then go back and get our clotnes.
    This way, we won't get our clothes dirty". So, they stripped butt naked
    right there...and as promised, he carries her across. He then goes to
    get her clothes, then back one last time to get his. As they're on the
    other side, looking at each others nude body, before they got dressed,
    the little girl notes "I didn't know there was such a difference
    between Protestants and Catholics!!".
    --- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (57:57/10)